Guilty as Charged
by Your Favorite Worst Dream
Summary: When Newton steps too far, the Cullen boys seek revenge, and, when everything goes wrong, find themselves where they have never been before: behind bars. Now a two-shot!
1. Guilty as Charged

**For those of you that liked **_**Triumphant**_**, here are more of the Cullens's misdoings. This takes place in the summer after **_**Twilight. **_**Enjoy…**

**Disclaimer: Continuing my legacy of not owning **_**Twilight**_**, but still making the characters feel uncomfortable in awkward situations.**

* * *

Guilty as Charged

"So…" came a voice from the surrounding darkness before an unseen hand flicked on the light switch to a large lamp, making sure it was right in the criminal's face. "What exactly were you and your brothers doing earlier tonight?"

The boy started to open his mouth, but the cop interrupted him, practically growling in his face, "And don't give me any of that garbage about how 'you can't prove it was us' because we have eye witnesses!"

The boy looked irritably in the direction where he thought this angry voice was coming from and cleared his throat. "It was all Emmett's fault."

The voice seemed puzzled as he shuffled through some papers. "You mean the big one?"

"Yes, looks like a bear but acts like a four year old; that's our Emmett."

More rustling papers. "But I thought he was at Dartmouth."

"Oh, well…he was…coming home for a visit."

The suspicion that had seemed permanently ingrained in the cop's mind was now lessening. He nodded in understanding as he felt a rush of sympathy for the poor boy, dragged into a scheme by his older brother. "So he wanted to pull a little prank and made you participate?" The boy nodded with fake, but entirely believable sadness. "If you can explain everything to me, without excluding details, then I'm sure we can make this as painless as possible for you." The ominous voice, belonging to Rick Spalding of the Forks police force, was growing minutely less commanding and more understanding.

Jasper smiled smugly as he began his story.

000

Half an hour later, Jasper emerged from the only interrogation room in the small police station. Being escorted by another policeman, they made their way to a large cell with two other figures hunched on the seats inside.

When the cop left, Jasper saw his brothers' inquiring looks and answered, "He feels sorry for me." He glared at Emmett while he said in a woe is me voice, "Being dragged into a silly and childish prank by my big old mean brother."

Emmett looked at his brother in horror. "No! You can't just pin this whole thing on me, you know! You agreed to it wholeheartedly and I'm _not_ going to take the heat for this!"

His brothers ignored him as Edward jumped up to his feet…and then sat hurriedly back down, holding the blanket even tighter around himself. It couldn't even be _called_ at blanket really; it was smaller than a regular towel and he found that he had trouble holding it around the waist of his naked body without it falling down. "What did you say about _me_ though?"

Jasper held back a laugh and answered, "Nothing more than the usual…why you're naked, and all that, but I'm sure you can jump on the 'blame Emmett' train if you want."

At seeing Edward's nod of agreement, Emmett threw his arms extravagantly into the air before hurling himself onto the bench, making it shudder and creak with the force of the impact. "Unfair! You can't do this to me, I won't stand for it!"

"But you came up with it!" shouted his brothers in unison.

Emmett shot up from the bench and wound his big hands around the bars of their cell. "Why are we even here? We could so easily just bend the bars and escape…"

He didn't get any further as both Edward and Jasper started pulling him away from the bars, Edward making sure to keep one hand firmly at his waist, whispering things like, "You can't blow our cover," "They already know who we are and why we're here," and "Charlie would _kill_ me if he found out I broke out from his jail!"

Someone coughed into their fist discreetly and the boys turned to see the escorting policeman had come back. "Sorry to, uh, break up this little love fest here, but Officer Spalding wants to interrogate the Naked Boy Wonder over there next."

Emmett and Jasper immediately starting laughing raucously as Edward walked out of the now-open door to the cell, taking awkward small steps to ensure that the blanket wouldn't slip. He gave a scathing glare to his brothers before following the cop into a dark room. A hand came out of nowhere and Edward was surprised to find that Officer Spalding was trying to shove him into the wooded chair in the center of the room. He realized that this was the 'bad cop' routine, so he pretended to have his knees buckle and fall into the chair.

"You're cold, Edward," the voice pointed out like it was a federal crime. "Does that have anything to do with the fact that you are wearing practically _nothing_?"

Edward, having no patience for any more idiocy, couldn't restrain himself from snapping, "So _that's_ why I keep feeling a draft! Thank you _so much_ for clearing that up, officer."

Insulted thoughts about his smart aleck behavior sprang up in the man's mind and seeing how this wouldn't help him, he amended, "Sorry, Officer Spalding, I just…have had such a strenuous night, I didn't mean to take it out on you."

Spalding's ego fluffed itself up as the thoughts now turned to how he had intimidated the boy. "Would you now tell me what happened earlier tonight, including how you came to…this condition?"

Edward found himself morally struggling between decades of loyalty and the thought of saving his naked ass from how Charlie would shorten, or forbid, the time he could spend with his Bella. Let's just say it didn't last too long. "Emmett made me do it."

000

Charlie Swan stared in confusion across his desk at the witness. "Wait…what did you just say?"

The elderly lady adjusted her large spectacles and blinked owlishly at the chief. "I said that after I came out of the grocery store, buying food for my Mr. Whiskers, I saw this young man jogging down the sidewalk of the store next door, buck naked."

Several rooms over, a boy in an interrogation room shuddered involuntarily at what this supposedly innocent grandmother was thinking.

Charlie checked the paper on his desk. He had thought that this had to do with the Cullen boys, not streaking. He read on, seeing the list of breaking and entering, theft, use of illegal fireworks, and…

Oh.

"Could you describe this young man, Mrs. Fielder?"

Excitement seemed to animate her wrinkled face as she described the naked boy. "He was tall, I'd say six foot three, and terribly pale. He had copper colored hair, and was _very_ fit, not to mention-"

"Ah, that's enough, Mrs. Fielder," Charlie interrupted. He knew _exactly_ who she was talking about. "Now, can you tell me about the explosion?"

She seemed to blush as she said, "Well, Chief Swan, I was rather too distracted to notice the explosion…"

Charlie resisted the urge to slam his head against his desk.

000

"So…_Emmett_," the ominous voice sneered, "I've heard that you are the ringleader behind this whole scheme." He pulled a Polaroid picture of an object so snarled and broken, it was unnamable, and handed it to Emmett. "Can you tell me how _this_," he stabbed his forefinger viciously at the photograph, "happened?"

Emmett shifted in the too-small chair, putting a hand in front of that damn infuriating light that was pointed right in his face so he could see the picture. He looked up at the shadowed face of Officer Spalding and tried to smile. "It was like that when I got there?"

* * *

Earlier that day...

"Look what he did!" Emmett screamed when he pulled into his driveway, jumping out of the car and pointing at the door with anguish on his face. "That – I can't even think of a word _bad_ enough for that kid!" By then Edward, Jasper, and Rosalie (the only ones home since Carlisle was at work, Esme was on her way home from having lunch with him, and Alice was having a Charlie-approved visit with Bella) had rushed out of the house, seeing what all the commotion was about.

On the side of his car door, there was a long scratch, cutting through the glossy paint of his enormous jeep.

Rosalie tried to calm her husband down, gently stroking his arm and soothingly purring, "It's alright sweetie. I can buff that out in no time; just leave it to me."

"It's the principal of the thing, Rosie! You just can't erase the intentional offence that this creates!"

"How do you know it was intentional, Em? Who did it?"

"Newton. Do I need to explain further?"

There was a contemplative silence before Rosalie announced, "I don't want to get involved in whatever you are going to do Em, so I'll just take your car and fix it as good as new, okay?" She got in the car and drove off to the garage, already thinking of ways to increase its speed and how she'd have to fix the brake because it seemed to stop the car a little too slowly for her liking.

When she left, Jasper turned to Emmett and asked, "What's going to happen now?"

The answer was simple, "Revenge."

000

"Are you _sure_ Newton's at work right now, Edward?" Emmett checked for the eleventh time.

"Yes, now would you care to explain to us what we are doing and to stop saying, 'Newton's gonna get it, Newton's gonna get it, Newton's gonna get it' over and over in your head?"

Emmett explained the plan in detail, even adding several realistic sound effects, slowly and surely in the backseat of Edward's car. When he was done, he held his hands up as if he were stopping a tirade of applause and beamed. "Isn't it _brilliant_?"

Jasper and Edward looked at each other in disbelief before they began the methodical and thorough process of poking holes into his plan. "You do know m 80s are illegal in the state of Washington, don't you?" "Esme will kill us." "We can be sued if we are caught." "How do you even plan on _getting_ the fireworks?"

That one, Emmett could answer. "You see, I know this guy named Tony, who works at the CD joint in between the grocery store and Newton's dad's shop, and, if you ask specifically for them, he'll sell you any kind of firework you want. It's all very hush hush, you know?"

Right then, they parked beside the sidewalk running beside all the stores, and, what do you know, the CD place was closed. Emmett thought fast and amended his plan. "Okay, so we'll just have to break in. I'm sure he won't mind if we leave a few hundreds on the counter."

Edward turned in his seat to face his brother. "How do you expect to break into a store on a crowded street?"

Emmett smiled; he had hoped Edward would ask that. "We'll just need a distraction…"

000

After several minutes of pointless fighting, Edward had given up when Emmett had threatened to show Bella some incriminating photos (i.e. when Alice and Rosalie forced him to wear woman's clothing and curled his hair until he looked like Little Orphan Annie). Jasper and Emmett were now loitering on the stairs leading up to the CD store, waiting for Edward to finish undressing.

Finding no other excuse to stall, Edward stepped hesitantly out of the car, in only an Italian pair of pointed toe shoes, and gave a loud whistle to attract everyone's attention before he started a slow jog down the sidewalk.

From the thoughts around him, he had their attention. In every mind, he saw himself reflected through their eyes, naked, defenseless. Oh, he was going to _kill_ Emmett for this! Hopefully though, no one would recognize him and-

_That's the Cullen boy! My, my, he certainly has grown up nicely…_

_I think my daughter goes to school with him; if only I was young again, I'm sure I could get a piece of that…_

_Wow! Wow, wow, wow, wow, WOW!!_

Too late.

Edward closed his eyes when he saw a camera flash somewhere in the distance. He'd have to get that later, but for the time being, he just focused on not seeing anyone around him. He imagined he was completely alone, and soon he would be in the forest again, safe from prying eyes where he could run back to his home in peace.

With his eyes still closed and the thought of safety in his mind, Edward quickened his pace and…

…ran into a police officer.

000

The explosion was deafening.

After exiting the CD store with their arms laden with m 80s, Jasper and Emmett broke one of the windows to Newton's care and whipped out a lighter. "Ready?" he asked Jasper.

"Always," he responded, beginning to enjoy himself, and one by one they threw in the m 80s. They did it so quickly, that by the time they were done, the first one's fuse was just coming to an end, and all the little bangs turned into one collective explosion.

The ratty old car Newton had been in possession of was now all twisted metal and smoking flames. Jasper and Emmett turned tail to run, but stopped when they saw a police officer pushing Edward, who had his hands cupped over his more exposed area, with his nightstick.

"You boys!" the cop shouted, "you're under arrest!"

* * *

Now, they were all sitting in the cells again, awaiting the verdict. There were sour spirits all around when Edward informed his brothers that blaming everything on Emmett hadn't worked like they had hoped and that they were all still getting equal punishment. Edward just wanted a pair of pants.

Chief Swan came out of his office and passed the cell, staring Edward down before shaking his head and muttering something about how a boy named Jacob would never pull this kind of stunt. Charlie walked on to the front desk, out of sight from the boys, but not out of hearing range, and they heard a very familiar voice.

"Hi Charlie!" it seemed to sing, and the boys sat up a bit straighter.

"Well, hello Alice. Are you here for your brothers?" He was still trying to hold on to his big tough police officer voice, but it was fading fast under the innocent gaze of the pixie.

"You do know that they face many criminal charges that could bring them to court, though, don't you?"

"I do Charlie," she replied with the correct amount of sadness, embarrassment and anger. "And let me tell you, our parents have never been angrier! Esme is already thinking of spirit-breaking chores and punishments for them. Shopping with me is on the top of the list!" she exclaimed excitably, earning a chuckle from Charlie.

"The bail is pretty expensive, Alice. Are you sure you don't just want me to keep them here?" He sounded much more hopeful than he should have.

"And I have come prepared. Carlisle gave me the money for bail," there was a silence as they assumed she passed him the money, "and could you please send this to the Newton family? It is more than enough to replace his car. Esme wrote a note that is in the envelope apologizing profusely and asking if there is anything our family could do for them, we'd be happy to help."

This seemed to throw Charlie off because he was now stuttering helplessly. "W-well, you covered everything that probably would have taken weeks to resolve in court. I guess I should release your brothers, shouldn't I?" His reluctance carried on until he was at their jail cell, saying nothing as he set them free.

The boys in turn thanked him on their way out and said their "sorry"s before fleeing as fast as they could. When they thought they were going to be safe, they were stopped by his voice yelling, "I expect to get that blanket back, Edward. After, of course, you wash it." His shame followed him out the door as all the officers, a criminal, and his siblings burst into hysterics.

"By the way," Alice managed to say through her laughs as they walked through the parking lot, "I have a little present for you!" She reached into her purse and pulled out a Polaroid picture, handing it to her brother.

"How did you get this?" he demanded after he noticed that the pale, naked person in the picture was, in fact, him. Then he remembered the camera flash from earlier, and he would have been beat red if there was blood in his veins.

"That's not the only copy, too," Alice sang. "I left one underneath Bella's pillow as a surprise."

They laughed again at Edward's humiliation, who would have ran to get the picture if he had another piece of clothing, and Jasper took the opportunity to slide to Alice's side, whispering in her ear, "I haven't had a chance to thank you properly, love. Perhaps I can do that later…"

He was using his "sexy" voice, and was about to add a little desire to Alice's mood, when she abruptly turned serious and barked, "Jasper Whitlock, if you even _think_ of doing what I see you trying to do, then there will be a world of pain for your southern ass, no matter how cute it may be." He shut up and didn't talk the rest of the way.

They were almost to the car when Emmett asked, "Are Carlisle and Esme home?"

Alice nodded with a smug smile on her face.

He gulped and hesitantly inquired, "Do they know?"

"No, the rest of the family doesn't know."

The boys simultaneously sighed in relief. There seemed to be something wrong, though, because Edward had stopped smiling was slowly growing paler and had a positively terrified expression on his face.

Alice smiled wickedly as she stepped into her car, only to roll down the window and say, "But they do now."


	2. Just Desserts

**Due to the six people who, despite my stating that this was a one-shot, stubbornly put alerts on this fic, I took another look and decided that it wasn't exactly done yet. So, now this is a two-shot! Chapter two is for those six obstinate alerters.**

**Disclaimer: I tried to keep the characters, but Stephanie Meyer took them away. Good thing for me she didn't see the picture of Edward. Ha ha ha.**

* * *

Just Desserts

Moonlight flooded through Bella's open window as she tossed and turned in the uncomfortably warm summer heat. Her half sleeping mind registered that, from the lack of a pleasantly cold body beside her, Edward was not here. The awake part was going to question why, but the other emitted a sharp "Shh!" because it truly did want to sleep and wondering where your vampire boyfriend was never did anything to help that situation. Bella turned onto her stomach, hoping to find a better position, and she thrust her arm underneath her pillow.

She stopped when her fingers came into contact with a stiff paper-like object. _What could this possibly be?_ she thought, her brain now leaning toward the world of the waking. Bella sat up and flicked on the lamp that was on her bedside table, looking at the thing in her hand.

This sure woke her up.

Framed beautifully in the center was her gloriously naked boyfriend, running down a sidewalk with his hair windblown, his large muscles bulging, and his… Well, let's just say it was every girl's erotic fantasy, right there. Bella's heart sped up and her face turned a very bright red. Yet, try as her mature and modest side tried to persuade, she couldn't stop from thinking that the myth about the size of a man's hands was true. Come to think of it, Edward had huge hands, and this just proved the –

Before her mind could continue down that particular avenue of thought, though, a wind burst into her room and ripped the photo out of her hand. Bewildered, she looked around and saw an unfortunately clothed Edward. He looked more flustered than she had ever seen him, and she was sure that if he could, he'd be blushing. This fact gave power to Bella and she was able to stare evenly at Edward as he blustered and tried to form words. Finally, he managed to stutter out, "Huh-how much did you…_see_?"

She only raised her eyebrows suggestively.

He collapsed down in the rocking chair and put his head in his hands, muttering something that sounded like "_Shit_," followed by, "_I'm going to _kill_ Alice_." Bella walked over and grabbed his hand, noticing how he looked like more of a mess than usual; his shirt was buttoned wrong, he had mud all over his pants, and there was an expression of such acute humiliation on his face. "Care to explain what happened, Edward?"

He peeked up at her through his eyelashes and took a deep breath, gauging her expression. When he saw nothing but kind understanding, or maybe just the lust which was foremost of what Bella was feeling, he started to say something, and then stopped. An odd look, half relief at not having to tell Bella, and half dread at returning home, graced his handsome face. "I have to go now," he said with a frantic edge in his voice. "I barely had enough time to sneak out when they were distracted with Emmett and they've almost broken down the barricade to my room. I need to get back before they find out that I left."

At the window he stopped, turning around, and said with bitterness, "Don't worry, I'm sure Charlie will tell you everything; he's almost here anyways." And then he was gone, nothing but a gust of embarrassed and terrified wind, leaving naught but a disappointed Bella, who wished he hadn't taken the photograph.

000

Morning brought none of the relief Mike Newton had been hoping for. He quickly found out that watching a tow truck pull your entirely ruined car into the driveway was not a good way to start the day. Neither was walking downstairs and seeing your mother, your very own flesh and blood, sitting in the living room with the woman who had spawned, or at least adopted, the guys who had made his car into that mess of metal and torn upholstery that it was.

"Sit down with us, Michael. Esme was just explaining what happened last night," Mrs. Newton said, gesturing that he ought to sit in the empty chair and taking her seat beside Mrs. Cullen. Mike awkwardly followed orders and turned to Esme, surprised by how hot a mom could be.

"Yes, as I was saying," she said in a sweet voice, immediately entrancing poor, unsuspecting Mike, "my family and I are terribly sorry for what the boys have done. I will tell you that their punishments will be more than difficult enough to make them regret what they have done." Mike felt his heart beat faster; this was a woman after his own heart. "I don't know what got into them, to be honest," Esme continued with well portrayed sincerity and puzzlement. "Emmett had said something about a scratch along the side of his truck, but that's not any excuse for what they-"

"Scratch?" Mrs. Newton interrupted politely before peeking over at her son with natural suspicion. "What do you mean?"

Esme waved it away with her hand and smiled sweetly. "He was probably just trying to blame it on someone else." She looked at the delicate gold watch on her wrist and looked apologetically at the Newtons. "Sorry to have to leave you so quickly but I'm supposed to meet Carlisle at the hospital and I fear I'm already late." She got up, her elegant summer dress swirling with the movement, and gave one more of her striking smiles. "I am glad Chief Swan has given you the money, and if there are _any_ problems with the new car, my daughter Rosalie will be more than happy to fix them for you."

Mrs. Newton looked taken aback. "Rosalie, you mean the blonde one?"

Esme nodded. "She is very talented when it comes to cars. I remember when she saved Edward's car in the accident of 95, but that's another story. Thank you for your hospitality, and don't worry about getting up; I can find my way out. Goodbye." And she floated out of Mike's life, with nothing to remember her by but the faint smell of her perfume and the look of anger blossoming on his mom's face.

"_Scratch_?" she repeated, as if her rage had wiped out all other vocabulary words. "Michael Bernard Newton, if you had damaged that other boy's truck, tell me now!"

Mike's mind was slingshot back from how lucky all the Cullens were to yesterday, when he had walked past the big, bear-like, one's car on the way to work. He had honestly thought it was Edward's, and it had been sitting there, big and shiny and so _red_. He couldn't help but be plunged into the tormented and worn-down track of self pity when he reflected how much Cullen had over him; Bella, the looks, the money, now the _car_. It had been too much to handle, and, before he knew it, Mike was pulling his keys out of his pocket and dragging them along the side of the car.

He had run away, cowardly and with his tail between his legs, knowing that if it came between him and Edward fighting, he would defiantly lose, gaining nothing but a black eye and wounded pride. Imagine the fear that while he had been peeking through the windows of the store, cringing with the thought of fighting the youngest of the Cullen boys, large and bulging Emmett had come walking to the truck, first looking surprised, then looking furious, then looking _right at him_. The shock had horrified little Mike so much; he dove down to the floor and put his hands over his head, waiting for the inevitable moment when he would stride into the store and kick his ass.

But the time never came. And when he finally worked up the courage to stand up and look out the window again, he saw that the parking space was empty. He was relieved and thought that he was off the hook.

Until now.

"_Did you do anything to her son's truck, Michael_?" his mom seethed, breaking him out of his guilty thoughts.

"Well, uh…" But his mouth was too dry to speak. Only odd, hacking noises that sounding like he was trying to dislodge a hairball from his throat came out. His mother's murderous glaring didn't help with the situation either. After the longest, most awkward twelve seconds of his life, Mike answered, "It was like that when I got there?"

And as the yelling began and many, _many_, groundings and restrictions were being given out, Esme got into her car with a slight, justified, smile on her face. No one messed with her babies.

000

Alice cleared her throat. "Carlisle has kindly asked Rosalie and me to arrange phase one of your torture." Not a very satisfying start for Emmett and Jasper, who sat at the dining room table, which was used for nothing but serious conversations. Their wives had pushed two chairs together at the head of the table, glowering at the boys with obvious mirth. Jasper exchanged a look with Emmett and gulped; they were petrified, and with good reason. They knew the malevolence that lurked behind the angelic faces in front of them.

Rosalie pulled a piece of paper out of her pocket and opened it up in front of her and Alice. "Number one-"

"Wait!" Emmett burst, earning the glares of the two girls. "Why isn't Edward here? He was as much a part of this as Jasper and I were!"

His wife looked at him with a long grown patience with his antics and levelly answered, "Edward is in a different kind of phase one, and his is _much_ worse than ours will be. Now, number one: No sex for a month."

They waited until the protests came to an end and Alice continued, "Number two: You are not allowed to drive until Carlisle says so." More protesting. "Number three: You _must_ accompany us on _any_ shopping trip we take, in order to carry our bags and tell us how wonderful we look."

Jasper raised his head from where it had been repeatedly hitting the table top and, in his patented alluring voice, purred, "You are the most beautiful woman on any day Alice; you _always_ look wonderful."

"That's a nice try, Jazz, and that leads me to rule number four: You are not allowed to manipulate us into changing our mind about anything."

Rosalie looked over at her husband and added, "Rule four is split; while he can't manipulate emotion, _you_ can't do that thing you do when you make your muscles bulge." Emmett, who had looked like he was planning something, gave a defeated sigh and sank down in his chair. Why did she have to restrict the one sure fire way to make her go crazy?

The girls looked at each other, then at their soul-broken husbands with satisfaction. Then, with a wicked smile, they simultaneously announced, "Rule number five: You two, along with Edward, must give a formal apology to Newton, calling a truce, in person, at his house. Thus are the requirements of phase one."

000

Well, this was just awful for everyone.

Pretend you are in the most uncomfortable and maladroit of circumstances, with two other people sharing in the misery, which, somehow, didn't help at all, just made it twice as worse. In this scenario, speech is incapable, because one of the two other people will invariably misinterpret it into something unsuitable to be said. Every movement is watched, glance noted, and chance to escape cut off.

That was how it was in the living room of the Swan house for Bella, Edward, and Charlie.

Edward was, sadly, bearing the blunt of the evil and gauche force that was thickening in this room more and more until he thought he might suffocate from it. Charlie was glowering at him with the practiced menace that he had obtained in his years as a police chief. Not to mention, his mind was reeling with thoughts of Edward's perverted and sick nature, along with ways he'd have to protect his darling daughter from him.

The darling daughter, on the other hand, had taken up the unsettling habit of staring at his crouch. He knew it wasn't his belt that was drawing this attention, it was a very simple and modest black, so he could only assume that the memory of the picture had remained strong in her human mind.

"Edward," Charlie growled gruffly, "I suppose you can assume that I have told Bella about your…_escapades_ the other night." At the almost indiscernible nod on Edward's part, he continued. "Naturally, this raises questions from me, as a father, on how your disobedient behavior will affect my daughter."

With perfect sincerity, Edward said, "I can assure you that that will _never_ happen again." He pretended that he didn't see Bella's petulant expression. "I have no plans at getting in trouble with the law ever again." With some humiliation, he pulled something out from his pocket and handed it to Charlie. "That reminds me, here's the uh… _blanket_."

Charlie eyed it distastefully, despite Edward's assertion that it had been thoroughly washed, and threw it on the coffee table, where it seemed to lay there and stare at the three of them, mocking then with its one hundred percent cotton and blinding whiteness.

The silence grew and doubled and tripled like bunnies in heat. No one, except Charlie, that is, could look each other in the eye. This could have continued on for seconds or minutes or months or, what seemed most likely to Edward, _years_. Luckily for him, though, his cell phone eventually went off, emitting a loud rock song Charlie didn't bother to hide his disapproval for.

"Hello?" he said into the mouthpiece, silently begging that it could be someone, _any_one, that would help him.

"Hi, sweetie, it's Esme." And Edward felt like falling to his knees in relief. "I wanted to tell you that I can't pick you up right now." And then the feeling was gone. "I know it's difficult for you not to have your car, but this is the punishment you have to deal with, Edward. Now, I'm helping Mrs. Fielder to get over the shock of seeing you, in the buff, yesterday, and I think it might take an extra hour than what I had thought. I'll be there as soon as I can and _don't walk home_! You have to know what it's like to be a human teenager without a car. Bye bye, sweetheart."

"Yeah, bye Mom…" Edward hung up and looked across the table at Charlie. "Esme can't pick me up for a while longer still."

A slow, creeping smile spread across Chief Swan's face. "Good. That gives us more time to _talk_."

000

_Hello, you've reached the Cullen residence. I'm sorry, but we're not in right now. If you leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we can._

_Beep_

_Uh, hi. This is Mike Newton. Well, um, I'd like to apologize for scratching Emmett's truck. (_From the background, a voice can be heard saying: Michael, say it!_) No Mom. (_Say it or your father will fire you!_) Fine. I was the one that cast the first stone, and for that I'm sorry. (_What else?_) Oh, yeah, we will be mailing you back all the money. Thank you for the gesture, but my mom (_Mike…_) no, _I_, would prefer to pay for a new car with money I have earned from the many days of hard lifting and manual labor that I will be doing in the near, and far, future. (_Don't sound so bitter_) How can I _not_ sound bitter, Mom? I have to pay for a whole new car by myself because I put a _tiny_ little scratch in one of their cars, while they blew mine up – (_You're still on the phone!_) Okay. Goodbye and I'm _sorry_. (_Michael, is that sarcasm I hear, because if you're going to be rude to such a perfectly nice family you'll_-)_

_Beep_

_Hello, you've reached the Cullen residence. I'm sorry, but we're not in right now. If you leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we can._

_Beep_

_Hi! Cynthia Newton, here. Esme and I spoke earlier this morning and I just wanted to tell you that your boys were positively _provoked_ by my son. (_Mom! I already called them, so why are you calling them again to make me seem even _more_ worse?_) Well, Mike, you should have thought about that before you decided to act like a smart-aleck! Anyways, we sent back the money, so you should be getting it by tomorrow, no troubles. I don't want to interfere with your parenting decisions, but I don't blame the boys at all. (_They _blew up_ my_ car_, Mom!_) I mean, they were only doing it because Mike started it, and boys will be boys, I guess. But whatever you choose (_I say they ought to be sent to a lab and studied, those freaks!_) will be for the best. I'm sorry for this whole mess. Goodbye! Mike, do you have an _ounce_ sense of sensitivity in –_

_Beep_

000

Veronica Wagner stared at the wall of the Forks Public Library's bathroom, utterly amazed. In all her years as a librarian, nothing this marvelous had ever happened. She was sure she could feel drool trickling down from her mouth, and she didn't even care. It was that incredible.

Next to the mirror, for everyone to see, was a nude picture.

The man in it seemed to have walked out of her subconscious wants and onto paper, hanging there for her enjoyment. She had just finished up her more private business in the stall and was going to wash her hands when she looked up and saw it. She hadn't even been able to move for a full minute, it was that perfect. Suddenly, she felt the need to walk out of the library, her personal playground for the past five years, and find this absolute hunk.

Still in the trance left by the intoxicating man, Veronica reached and tried to dig her fingernails underneath the side to lift it up off the wall and carry it with her in her search. But, no matter how she tugged, pulled, or begged, it wouldn't budge. She was on the verge of crying when she heard the door open behind her.

Trying to straighten her skirt and fix her glasses at the same time, Veronica whirled around and faced the incredibly short and pale girl that had just walked through the swinging door. With no hesitation, the pixie strutted right up to the photograph, ripped it off with ease, and put it in her purse, muttering to herself, "Five down, twelve to go."

She turned to walk back, but looked over her shoulder, her golden eyes assessing Veronica, and said, "You've got a little drool on right there," in a soprano voice before disappearing out the door once more.

Veronica Wagner, now at a loss for finding the dream man from the picture, which she had been sure was God's way of showing her a path to a new life, wiped at her chin and felt the need to cry.

Alice continued her collection route, now going to the men's room, where she would find a man doing the exact same thing as Veronica, with a melancholy heart. _Carlisle,_ she thought,_ can't take a joke if his non-existent life depended on it._

000

"You _have _to do it," Rosalie sternly said from behind the wheel of her BMW. "Think of it as a good karma thing."

"Karma?" Edward laughed bitterly. "You haven't just spent the last two and a half hours of your life listening to a police officer tell you why, with exceptional detail, you are not good enough for his daughter. Decades of resisting from killing people and _that's _what I get. Screw karma."

Emmett, who had been shutting his eyes and hoping to develop a new vampire power that would make him teleport out of this vehicle of torture and into a nice happy place, like Disney World, opened his eyes and put in his two-cents. "Maybe _that_ was direct karma from streaking and permanently developing a life long obsession of you and your nakedness in a poor old lady."

Jasper started to laugh, but Alice, who was sitting in the passenger seat, turned and glared at him. She was still moody from when she had to wrestle with a gay man in order to get back one of the pictures and he had called her shoes tacky. Who knew men that were so handy in undoing crazy glue could be so cruel to people that are _obviously _more fashion forward than him?

The car slowed to a stop and Rosalie turned off her engine. "It's time," were her final words of not actually wisdom. And the boys, taking the hint, jumped from the back of the convertible and watched the car disappear around the corner, from where they would be listening with the keenest enjoyment.

Standing on the walkway to the Newton family abode, the three boys took synchronized deep breaths. After five seconds of seeing who would go first, Edward said, "Fine! I'll go," and led them up the pathway. Emmett, who was closest and therefore obliged to do so, pressed the doorbell, which produced a tone much too joyful to suit present circumstances.

In a matter of seconds, Cynthia Newton was at the door, immediately dazed. It was enough to be in the presence of _one_of the Cullens, but _three_ seemed to be pushing her limits. Brain level seemed very low as she greeted them with a monosyllabic word that was slightly slurred.

Again, Edward took the lead and cleared with throat with unnecessary force, trying to break her out of the stupor. It didn't really work, so he stopped beating around the bush. "Hello, Mrs. Newton. My brothers and I would like to personally apologize to Mike, if you wouldn't find it too intruding." He said it with such perfectly feigned regret and politeness that Cynthia couldn't stop herself from thinking that they must be the three most wonderful boys on the face of the earth.

"Michael!" she called. "You have some guests!"

They waited in silence, though Mrs. Newton was trying desperately to find a topic of conversation. They heard stomping feet hit the wooden staircase on their way down and soon Mike was right in front of him, a look of surprise and anger on his face. He turned to his mother and said, "Thanks, ma. I think talk to them out on the porch." Then he closed the door in her face and turned to the Cullens. "What the Hell are you doing here? Came to blow up my _home_ this time?"

Edward, aware that Alice would never end their punishment if they never did this little task, chose to ignore the comment and motioned for Jasper to hold Emmett back if trouble should arise and his temper get out of control. "We just came to say that we are sorry, Mike. That's all."

"_Sorry_?" Mike gaped. "You think that a simple _sorry_ will get rid of all the wrongs you guys have done me ever since you moved here?" Mike was flushed with anger all the way up to his carefully spiked hair, and he took a, what he thought was, threatening step toward the three of them. "First, you throw off any chance I have at being the best in sports, then in grades, then with _girls_. You have enough hot sluts at your house," Jasper and Emmett were now silently growling under their breath, trying to refrain from ripping his head off, "yet you make all the chicks at school fall all over you!"

Now he rounded on Edward. "_You're_ the worst! Bella was _mine_, but you took her away from me! You won't let her talk to me, or be near me, because you _know_ she wants me more than she wants you, and it's killing-" The rest of his speech was cut off by the swift punch in the nose he received from Edward.

"_Never _talk about my girl like that again, Newton," he sneered in his now bloody face before turning around and walking angrily down the pathway, followed by his two brothers, who were berating the fact that they couldn't be the one to knock his lights out.

"Michael!" screeched Mrs. Newton as she ran from the window, where she had been watching the whole thing, and out the door, looking down at her moaning son. He thought that he would finally get his mother to believe how awful the Cullens were, but she remained firmly on their side. "What did you say to that nice boy to make him do this? You better not have been rude!" It continued on in the same strain as she helped him up and started walking him back to the house.

Edward had thought he had gotten away with it too, until her heard some familiar thoughts and saw the lights of a squad car that had been passing by at the wrong time turned on, and the siren started its whooping. "Put your hands up and don't move!" boomed the threateningly gleeful voice of Chief Swan.

Emmett cursed, Alice and Rosalie, still safely behind a bush, laughed harder than they have in years, and Jasper turned to Edward, who was pinching the bridge of his nose like it would somehow solve their problem, and said, "At least you're not naked this time."

**

* * *

**

For those of you who were wondering about the accident of 95: Edward had stopped for gas and, in a classic faux pas, knocked over a row of motorcycles while he was trying to find a good song on the radio, which had been sadly filled with nothing but country. The bikers came out of the gas station, all dressed in leather with beards and bandanas up the wazoo, and started threatening him (They called him an "'N Sync Pretty Boy" which he found particularly insulting.). Rosalie not only charmed them to stop, but got the chain dents out very nicely afterwards.

_Now_it's truly finished.


End file.
